On Grief

Here is something I decided to share with my friends on Facebook. I think it has value for others as well. 

Goodbye car insurance, it’s been real. Phone and internet, pack your bags, you’re next. I may be going dark for awhile, friends. I wanted to take this moment to get some things off of my chest. This is the most candid I’ll ever be on social media, and I’m already suspecting I shouldn’t even be sharing this many personal details on Facebook. But, at this point, I really have nothing to lose.

I don’t think I ever let myself grieve over my father’s death. I’m grieving now, both over the loss of him and the feeling that I’ve failed him. I realize this feeling is self imposed, and that my father wouldn’t see me as failing him, but the feeling still lingers. I suppose the feeling is because I took it upon myself to help the family and hold things together when he past.

 

And now I’ve failed.

 

I made a very pivotal decision last summer. I was offered a job as an insurance/real estate agent. This was not something I saw myself doing in the long run, however, it would help pay the bills and stabilize my family’s financial situation. I was accepted into my masters program, and this employer did not want me doing it – he wanted my focus solely on the insurance business. I wanted to follow my passion and in my eyes, make a difference in the world, so I chose to go with grad school. Although I’ve learned so much and enriched my life, meeting wonderful people along the way, that decision has proven to have repercussions.

 

I’m halfway to my masters but I’m also halfway to losing everything. In a lot of ways I feel like I’ve already lost everything. I had a relationship that spanned five and a half years. Through all of the stress my family situation put on me, this relationship was my rock. This was the one thing going right, the one thing I had absolute faith in, and the reason I got out of bed every morning. This was my future – the romantic in me knew that this love so true was destined to last forever. Our life together would be bliss, and I’d be proud to be able to provide for the love of my life after I earned my masters degree.

 

It was all I wanted. It was why I strived to be a better person daily.

 

Then it was gone. I’ve touched upon how this has felt on Facebook in the past, but I’ve never done it justice. The hollow feelings of emptiness, hopelessness, and worthlessness were all encompassing. All of a sudden I was not worthy of being loved or worth fighting for – and I took this upon myself. It destroyed my worldview, and drastically altered what I thought about my future.

 

Then my car broke down. Then I had to take out more school loans to afford another to keep getting to class. Then I sideswiped a telephone pole with that car. Then my mother broke her wrist and lost time at work. Then, after I have dumped over five thousand dollars into paying the mortgage and back bills to keep our home and life situation, everything is still lost.

 

I’ve failed.

I’ve had a great deal of successes. I’m a standout student in my graduate program, which I am incredibly passionate about. I’ve earned a graduate assistantship, which will allow me to get by on my own next semester. I’ve published a novel, I’ve matured and grown as a person more in the last few months than the previous few years. I’m proud that I’ve been able to overcome so much.

 

But some days that just isn’t enough. Some days you remember no one loves you like she did and she’ll never love you like that again. Some days you feel so ruined by what happened that you don’t think you can love again. Some days you’re faced with the fact you’ll have to drive uninsured and risk devastation. Some days you see that your novel really isn’t selling well, and few people actually care you wrote one. Some days you realize that your current living situation is not manageable and it’s highly likely you’ll lose your home and your mom will have nowhere to go. Some days four years of dealing with the loss of your father, the constant financial burdens, the dangerous habits and behaviors of your brother, becomes too much. Some days you’re supposed to care about the multiple fifteen plus page papers and research assignments you have for class when you barely have the emotional strength to drive 40 miles to class.

 

This is one of those days. This is a day where I’m feeling overwhelmed, isolated, and hurt. I have my fair share of responsibility for how things have turned out. I also have the ability to better my life situation and emerge from this a stronger, more capable person. I am not denying myself this opportunity to become wiser, more aware, and better suited for life’s challenges.

 

But this is just one of those days. On a day like this, none of the positive stuff seems to matter. On a day like this I don’t even want to keep going on living. And the sick thing is, it’s not all sad feelings. It’s an overwhelming exhaustion, the feeling that I’ve been kicked so many times I don’t want to get up anymore. It’s the feeling that my views that love can conquer all if you put your heart into it, and that good things will happen if I keep trying my best were naive and misguided, and have left me more broken down than if I never had them at all.

 

This isn’t the stuff people are “supposed” to talk about on Facebook, but you know, I don’t care. I’m a person, I have complex emotions, and so what if a random jackoff I haven’t talked to in seven years sees what I’m going through? We’re all people.

 

After I lost my relationship, I said I’d never be scared of anything again. In my mind the worst had already happened – the woman I loved and devoted myself to simply no longer felt the same. That level of devastation for me, could never be met. And it’s true, I’m not scared of the future, but in a sick way I feel too tired to get there. I’ve been doing very well over the last month or so, being positive, learning life lessons, and becoming stronger. I kept thanking God for these hardships because they were making me a tougher person.

 

But today it feels like I’m carrying too much. Today, after hearing about the bill situation we have, I just want to lay down and never get up again.

 

I don’t want pity, and I’m not asking for sympathy. Everyone has their life struggles. Everyone goes through hardships, and plenty have endured much worse than I have. My life is still within my hands and what has happened to me is no one’s fault or responsibility but my own. I’ve had choices this entire way.

 

I guess I just want to be understood. I want to have a moment where I can express what’s really going on rather than being the typical fun loving, positive Dave Bright so many of you see. Because some days it’s just too much. Somedays I don’t want another tomorrow.

 

I want to take this moment to thank all of my dear friends who have supported me in all my times of need. I have wonderful people in my life who have lent their shoulders and earns, and have opened their hearts. You have been a source of strength and inspiration for me.

 

I also want to take this time to apologize to anyone I’ve hurt in the past. I apologize for any selfish actions, any times i’ve disrespected you, or any harm I’ve brought upon you. Thank you for your understanding.

God Bless,

– The Dave Bright

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